Monthly Archives: March 2010

Maybelle’s bio-rhythms are somewhere south of China

Maybelle’s bio-rhythms are somewhere south of China

Beanpole aside, I know somethins up with me bein’ the biggest klutz east of Kelowna. But why all of a sudden? What in the galaxy is causin’ it? Well, I say, when in doubt, ask. Sose I go on-air and ask my listeners in Lake WhaddyathinkImean to phone in and tell me what they think. And the phones go crazy. Why the noise makes Bogart growl so loud the walls buckle. The poor bear can’t concentrate and he logs off of eHarmony!

Sybil Beaucannon-Hughes calls in and says: “Maybellene DAHLING, (she’s the only one I know calls me Maybellene) …it must be yer BIORHYTHMS!” My WHAT? “Yer biorhythms, dear.” Well, I jump off the phone and boot up my old trusty computer and type into that googlie box:     b-i-o-r-h-y-t-h-m-s. And sure enough, there it is. The answer to my clumsiness. My biorhythms are somewhere south of China. I am doomed to be a moron for the next 5 days.

Top of that, my emotional and physical rhythms are sleepin in the same bed. I’m not even Jewish and all I keep thinkin is, Oy vey! Then I call Sybil back and tell her she’s a smarty-pants cause she’s right, don’tcha know, and she tells me the Japanese keep their airline pilots grounded when their biorhythms are in the hamper. And I can’t help but think, Beanpole should move there. Least in Japan he’s got a chance to see old age.

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Maybelle’s back in Holyburton, don’tcha know

Why that airplane from La-la land had some transponder troubles or the like, plus it was like pea soup in the cabin, somethin’ about the ventilation system gettin’ a rabbit caught in the pipes.

So the gal next to me is shvitzin’ on my tamale sandwich and her husband needs mouth to mouth regurgitation, when an overhead compartment door flies open, hits the steward in the head and he falls smack in their laps spillin’ bloody mary’s all over the place.

Ya know…it made me feel right at home. For those of you who listen to my radio show, Fireside Stories from Lake WhaddyathinkImean, you know how crazy things can get when my friends drop by. Well, I’m back home now with my pet bear, Bogart, (gee I missed him) my pals, Vilma Yuccch, Officer Stanley Penelope McBottom, Beanpole Starkman, Twindle Mumbly, and of course, my engineer, Nickie B … and we got another episode airing this Saturday, March 13 at 12:40 pm EST and Sunday, March 14 at 5:00 PM EST at http://www.canoefm.com. (Just click on “click ‘n listen.”)

You kin also listen right now to a whole bunch of other episodes. Just click on “Fireside Stories from Lake WhaddyathinkImean” under Comedy Radio just to yer right. See ya. Maybelle

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Maybelle’s seein’ stars

Oh my goodyness, I was walkin with my friend Clara Bellini into a hardware store the likes of which Lake WhaddyathinkImean ain’t never seen before and who do I see walkin out? — LEONARD NEMOY, don’tcha know. That’s right. I’d know him anywhere, even without his pointy Star Trek ears.

And tonight as I was walkin into a sushi restaurant, uh-huh, (Clara insisted I get with the 21st century and eat some raw fish) I walked right past Wladyslaw Szpilman, I mean, Adrien Brody who PLAYED Szpilman in that movie called The Pianist. Why he looks 10 years younger and skinnier to boot.

What a place this is…movie stars comin and goin, goin and comin. Sure made that raw tuna go down a whole lot easier.

Nightie night. Maybelle

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Maybelle at LA’s “the Grove”

First I gotta tell ya, I walked along this street they call Melrose. Nothin rosey about it, but oh my, you shoulda seen those outfits. Up at Lake WhaddyathinkImean we wear bluejeans loose enough sose you can wear yer long johns underneath. But here in LaLa Land, they got these stretchy jeans that fit ya so tight the veins in yer legs pop. The only things I want poppin are my rice crispies.

As fer what they call “the Grove,” I’m over the moon giddy. What a place! It’s like the prettiest parts of Disneyland. A dancin’ fountain, music in the streets, sidewalk cafes, a really big movie theatre the likes of which Lake W has never seen before, and holy Toledo, a half naked BUFFED young man standin real still like a mannequin smack dab in the doorway of a clothin store, don’tcha know. Guess that’s one way to attract attention and bring young folks into the store. I couldn’t believe my eyes, sose I took me a picture.

Just wait ’til Vilma Yucch, Twindle Mumbly, and the rest of my friends in Lake WhaddyathinkImean get a load of this.

Nightie night. Maybelle

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Maybelle’s 2nd day in Tinsel Town

Well, I started my day seein’ my old friend, Sybil Beaucannon Hughes sister Morlin’s personal trainer, Bob. What a site for bored eyes. My grey hair is turnin’ red just thinkin’ about him. Why he had me movin’ parts of my body I forgot I had. And real slowwww. Said it all had to do with clearin’ out the lymph nodes, don’tcha know. Well, he kin clear my lymph nodes any time of day.

THEN, Morlin and her pet cattle dog, Porky, took me on down to Venice Beach. What a place that was. You’d think it was Halloween. But Morlin explained that’s just how people dress in these parts. Sose we passed by wee shops, don’tcha know, and one was sellin’ botox treatments, and stuff that blows yer lips up real big. Thought that might be kinda fun. Sose yer truly now looks like I got two inner tubes fer lips.

And I even got myself a tattoo of a moose. Just wait ’til Vilma Yuccch, Beanpole Morton, and the gang up at Lake WhaddyathinkImean see it. I’ll have ta take my boot off, tho. Cause I had em put it on the bottom of my foot. Only place that isn’t wrinkled.

And THEN I filled up with tacos at Holy Guacamole on Main Street. Perdy darn good, if you ask me. What a day. What a place. Take good care and I’ll report back tamarra. Love ya, Maybelle.

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Maybelle in Lost Angeleeeez!

Hello everybody out there in Cyberia-space. This is Maybelle Morton bloggin’ to ya all the way from Californi-a. Lost Angeles, don’tcha know. That’s right. I came here all the way from Lake WhaddyathinkImean for a big bash of a weddin’ celebration, and a bit of sunshine to boot.

And what a site. Green green green and more green. And that’s just people’s faces. Just kiddin. The palm trees, the orange blossoms, and 70 degrees weather in February. And folks still sayin there’s no such thing as global warming. Like what planet are they living on?

Walkin around without a winter coat and boots is heaven. And all the shops and restaurants and billboards. Makes Lake WhaddyathinkImean’s two block downtown look like the underbelly of a gnat.

Then they got plastic surgeon police every two blocks insistin that you have Botox or Restylin or some skin smoothin’ treatment or go back to Kettle Creek where you belong. Harumph! Can’t figure why lookin old’s got people in a stitch. I say, smooth yer attitude and it won’t matter what you look like. Further more, you won’t care.

And speakin’ of attitude. Ever since the underpants bomber screwed up last December, airport security has got perdy darn silly. FOUR check points before ya even get to yer gate. Ya kn-ow, I wouldn’ta minded it so much but some of the security folks workin at Pearson airport should have their ATTITUDES checked. Mean-spirited, rude, intimidating. And my question is: WHY????? Isn’t flyin stressful enough without havin people bully you?

And you know you better not give em yer mind cause they’re just lookin fer an excuse to use their new-found power to ruin yer day. I’m not even Jewish, but I say: OY VEY!!!

Nevermind, my old friend, Clara Fitzblintzbaum, picked me up at the airport and before I knew it, I fergot all about the airport bullies. We gabbed all the way to Beverly Hills and Clara’s big house on a hill across from where Fred Astaire and Mary Pickfair use ta live. Then she pulled out this small contrapulation and clicked the thing and boy, these big ol iron gates in her driveway opened up. I ain’t seen nothin’ like that in Lake WhaddyathinkImean, don’tcha know.

Did I tell ya I’m not havin to wear a parka or boots and a hat, long johns and flannel undies? I feel ten pounds lighter, younger, healthier and I know that’s gonna change soon. Yea.

When I start eatin Mexican food again, my favorite which you can’t find anywheres near Lake W. Tacos, enchiladas, tostadas, on and on. Tamarra I’m goin’ with Claire to see Avatar. She said to bring tissue to clean off the 3-D glasses.

Well, my eyes are closin’. I’m still gettin used ta the time change. Be well, fellow cyber-spacers, and remember … behind those rain clouds the sun is always shinin’, and if you can’t see it, then you just shine in its place.

Nighty night.  Maybelle

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