Comedy: Maybelle's Fireside Stories

Why if ol’ Maybelle isn’t fed up to my hairline with SPAM emails trying to sell me penis extenders.  PENIS EXTENDERS? What in the world would I do with that? Train it to open my truck door? Hang wet clothes on it? Salute a flag? Besides, I DON’T HAVE A PENIS! And if I did and I wanted to make it bigger I would take things into my own hands, don’tcha know. (pardon the pun).

Now the first time I saw one of those emails I thought it was kinda funny. And shocking. I mean, there I was looking for emails from friends and woa! An “S” toy!!!

After seeing them in my SPAM mail daily for about a year now…I don’t think it’s funny, I think it’s a big fat inappropriate and invasive nuisance!!

What do you think?

… Maybelle

They’re ba-ack! BUGS. Big ones, little ones, creepy crawlers, B-52 Bombers. Of course, they’re back, it’s spring! And the one that kept ol’ Maybelle up wayyyyy past my bedtime was an evil house fly from hell.  The kind with that high pitch whining sound that can turn you into a killer machine in a nano-second, don’tcha know.

Yep, that was ol’ Maybelle at two a.m. this morning.

Now I save some bugs. You know, put a jar over them and take them outside. But not a fly. It’s hard enough swatting them, let alone getting them into some container for permanent relocation, don’tcha know.

So there I was, with an electrified tennis racket fly swatter in hand, chasing the fly and its manic buzzing up on the bed, down again, flying into walls  ’cause the room’s so small…swatting the air, missing it, swatting again, missing again. Then nothing. Silence. It took time out. It caught its wee breath. Hoped I would give up and get on with my life. But nooooo. There was no way I was going to turn out the light just to have to turn it on again when it would nose dive on my head!

Ol’ Maybelle was determined. It was me or IT! And finally…FINALLY … sizzle sizzle sparks… I GOT HIM!

NOW I could sleep. NOW I could relax and not worry that it was about to dive bomb me.

And that’s just what I’m about to do right now…sleep.

Nighty night.

It doesn’t take much to put a smile on ol’ Maybelle’s face. And the one sure thing that does it every time is SUNSHINE! Yes, pure simple sunshine beaming its glorious rays all the way down from 17 lightyears away. Why, it falls right under the same category as hearing ukulele music. It lifts my spirits and makes me feel all hopeful and happy, don’tcha know.

So, I’m going outside into my garden to get some good clean earth under my fingernails. They’ve been way too clean for way too long, don’tcha know.  And while I’m at it…I just know I’m going to see some critters, large and small…flying, crawling…munching away at the deer seed that’s left from last night feeding. It’ll be quiet there, like it is inside my cottage…but there’ll be its own energy and oh such subtle sounds.  Just the kind I like.

Alrighty then…how is it possible to quiet your mind when the poor thing has got so much coming at it at once? Well, for starters, most folks don’t think their mind needs quieting. If anything, they want it to be more stimulated. Like they’re competing with their computer, don’tcha know.  And in a sense, that’s what they really ARE doing. ‘Cause our minds are very much like computers. Or, I like to think of it as an old fashioned cassette. Remember CASSETTES?

Well, if you do, then you’ll remember what happens when you keep recording over and over earlier recordings. Eventually, they bleed through. It’s the same with our minds. We take in so much mental, visual, and audio stimulation that our inner processor works overtime trying to sort it all out…and then while we’re doing something pretty mindless like washing the dishes or sitting with our pet bear, our mind just keeps on going like the Energizer Bunny, don’tcha know. In fact, we are no longer using our mind…IT is using US!

Now I don’t know about you, but ol’ Maybelle doesn’t take kindly to THAT equation…and neither do the Buddhists.

Why Buddhists teach being “mindful” of our thoughts…to WATCH them. And oh boy, sometimes I don’t like the thoughts I see. But, the good news is … I CAN see them…and being conscious of them, I can CHANGE them! Move back into the driver’s seat. Create a new “default” that’s positive and self-empowering.

Of course so many people have trouble sleeping.  We wake up to news, emails, music, weather … sit at our computers for hours and/or text, Twitter, iphone, Skype …later on, watch television, speak with friends via Skype, text, phone then repeat repeat repeat. And we wonder why we have trouble sleeping?

Our poor mind needs a break…from all stimulation! It needs the nourishment of COMPLETE AND TOTAL SILENCE. A good solid 20 minutes minimum of sitting quietly,  unplugged from the world and connected to our true source within.

Ahhhh sweet silence.

I think it’s time to go there right now.

Shhhhhh!

Doesn’t matter if you have a paying job or not. It seems to ol’ Maybelle… the biggest job we all have these days is working at not being afraid. Why every time we pick up a newspaper, read a news byte on the Internet, watch tv or listen to the radio we become one gynormous sponge for sucking up FEAR, don’tcha know.

Now the good thing is…we have a choice. We don’t have to drink it in. We don’t have to wear it or act on it.  And the best thing we can do is ask ourselves: Am I afraid of not being afraid?

After all, how many folks do you know who walk around all fearful-like about all kinds of things: the economy … ecology … taxes … nuclear warfare … and on and on? Probably most of them. Why, there’s a gazillion things that can scare us.

Do you ever think: How can I feel happy and hopeful when everyone else is eyeballing the sidewalk?  I mean, with all the bad things going on in the world, it just feels WRONG to feel GOOD?

Well, here’s what ol’ Maybelle has to say about that. GET OVER IT!!! You are meant to be here shining and the best and brightest and happiest you can be.

After all, do you really think you can help somebody who’s feeling down by feeling down with them? Well, that’s not how it works.

The best way you can help others and the world-at-large is to be compassionate, but not match that fearful energy.

Instead, the more bursting with the feeling of love and light you can muster…the greater the gift you will give to everyone and every thing around you.

So, just let go of the idea of fear altogether. It doesn’t serve you, the people you love, or the world.

Why, the most important job there is these days is … being love itself.

We all joke about missing socks, but c’mon, where the heck DO THEY GO? They walk with us as a pair all the way to the washing machine, but only ONE comes OUT! And it’s not like one got stuck in the machine or fell on the floor and never made there in the first place…’cause we retrace our steps and we can’t find it anywhere!

Now once in awhile, weeeeeeks later, we might find it setting behind the washing machine or some place that makes sense once we think about it.  But, no matter how many times I retraced my steps yesterday, I couldn’t find one sock that just up and disappeared.  And I mean to tell you… it was not on this PLANET!

I’m thinking … maybe it fell into the future.

Oh stop rolling your eyes!

Why my late Auntie Fester used to say there’s so much we don’t understand and that one thing is that we live in simultaneous dimensions, past, present, and future.  In fact, that’s the excuse Auntie F always used for being late!

“Why I’m not late,” she’d say. “You’re the one stuck in the past!”

Now if my sock fell into the future, that’ll be a good thing. ‘Cause all I’ll need to do is to keep on walking, and sure enough… I’ll meet up with it again one day!

Why I knew I had to do something to get me through another long grey winter in Lake WhaddyathinkImean. And learning how to play the ukulele was just the thing! Why just the sound of a uke makes ol’ Maybelle  smile.  And now I’m hearing it in tv commercials, cds. Why even Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam is playing the uke. That’s right. He’s got a CD out with just him on it, singing’ and strummin’ his four stringer.

So the first thing I did was call Kris Kadwell in Haliburton (he’s the host of a terrific music radio show on 100.9 CanoeFM called “Paddling Beyond the Mainstream” and a terrific guitar player to boot) and ask him what kinda ukulele I should buy. And you know what he told me? Go to a store that carries a lot of ukes and try them all. One of them will speak to you.

So, I drove straight to “Guitar Nuts” in Bancroft and if I didn’t see a whole bunch of ukes hanging on the wall.  Soprano ukes, concert ukes, tenors and baritones. And there was one that didn’t even look like a uke. It was made of beautiful white wood and pearlised like some guitars.  That was the 3rd one I tried strumming, and if it didn’t have the sweetest sound of all. Well, to my ears, anyway. And it felt so sweet in my hands. Why I just knew that “Pearl” as I named her, was coming home with me.

That was more than 3 months ago and it was better than a trip to Miami. What FUN, don’tcha know!!!

And never been one to play an instrument, it looked like one ol’ Maybelle wouldn’t have too much trouble strumming.

It’s been three whole months since Pearl  came into my life. That’s what I named my ukulele ’cause she’s a beautiful white wood and kinda pearlized, don’tcha know.  I I just had to bring her home.

And I’m having more fun learning to play her than